Does Your Child Have CWS?

Another Saturday night and I ain't got nobody... wait, no. I have a husband who has meetings in the morning and 5 somebodies that I will have to wrangle into Sunday clothes, load into a van and drive to church. I will attempt to do this in a timely manner because heaven knows we don't want to be late for church. It's not just that I hate being late, which I do, or that I don't want to miss any of church, which I don't, but if we arrive late it causes a royal ruckus. I know this, because we were about 5 minutes late to church a few weeks ago. Marc had kindly saved us a bench so there was no sneaking in and skulking in the back row. No, I had to boldly march my five little minions (they really were wearing their minion hats) into the chapel and up to the pew where Daddy was waiting. Five boys in bright yellow minion hats and swishy winter coats are distracting. Five boys in bright yellow minion hats in swishy winter coats who also suffer from CWS are doubly distracting.
What is CWS? It stands for Can't Whisper Syndrome. Sadly, it is a condition that all of my children have been born with. Let me explain: In order to whisper, one must force air through the pharynx without actually vibrating the vocal folds. In other words, the vocal folds are turned "off". My boys' vocal folds are always turned "on". They never cease vibrating and as a result they only have two volumes: loud and extraordinarily loud. So, when we are late for church, everyone in the congregation knows why. On the Sunday in question, my minions told their dad in excited tones about how Benjamin threw a big tantrum and we could only find one of each of his pairs of Sunday shoes so he had to wear his snow boots and how Tobias needed a diaper change at the last minute- all at full volume.
It's not that they don't try to whisper. I think they must have a "pause" button for those vocal folds because sometimes, with frequent reminders and good modeling, we can get them to whisper a couple of words but then the volume jumps right back up to loud loud loud. So far, we haven't found an effective treatment for CWS. Maybe we should raise money for research on the subject but first we will have to raise community awareness and connect with other families whose children suffer from this condition. If you think a child in your life may have CWS, take our short questionnaire:

1. Does your child's "inside voice" sound suspiciously like his "outside voice"?
2. Do you find that people in your congregation at church are better informed about your child's superhero imaginative play than they are about the talks given that Sunday?
3. Do librarians cringe when your child walks into the building?
4. Do you have to retreat to the bathroom inside the master bedroom and close both doors in order to hear the other person during a phone conversation?
5. Does your child shout, "I am whispering!" when you encourage them to whisper?
6. Is your child between the ages of 1 and 8?
7. Do you suffer from frequent headaches?
8. Does the idea of a sensory deprivation tank sound appealing to you?
9. When you hear someone actually whispering do you assume that the whispers are just voices in your head because it has been so long since you heard something that quiet?
10. Is your child unable to imitate the "soft soft whisper of a butterfly" in the Mr. Brown Can Moo Can You? book even though he has mastered over 1,000 other very specific sound effects?

If you answered "yes" to at least 3 of these questions, it is likely that your child was also born with CWS. We are hopeful that this is a condition which improves over time, but as all of our test subjects are still under the age of 7, we cannot be sure of any future outcomes. If you'd like more information on CWS, or if you'd like to donate money for research or to provide sensory deprivation chambers to mothers of children with CWS then please call our hotline at 1-800-CWS-INFO, that's 1-800-297-4636*. If you do call, please do our volunteers a favor and keep your voice down. In fact, if you could just whisper, that would  be great.

*Please note, there is no real hotline number for CWS. Calling this number may result in an uncomfortable confrontation with a telemarketer. Please call at your risk.