An Eviction Notice

Dear Mr. Cricket,

I noticed that you mistakenly moved into in our house. I am assuming it is a mistake, otherwise I would press charges for trespassing. I am writing this letter, because when I tried to speak to you directly, you turned your back on me and hopped away, taking up residence in my heating vent. I hate to tell you this, but you really cannot live there. Please have all of your possessions off the premises by midnight tonight or I will have to put your tiny insect suitcases out on the lawn and nobody wants that.
Lest you think me unreasonable, let me tell you why this arrangement just isn't going to work.
1. The room you have moved into happens to already be occupied by me and my husband. As a general rule, we don't allow anyone else to sleep in our room and certainly not while we are sleeping in it. Guests usually sleep in the guest room, but as you were uninvited you can't stay in there either.
2. The heating vent you've selected has a maximum occupancy of zero. I'd be going against fire code regulations if I allowed you to stay.
3. You chirp. A lot. All the time. All night long. That is serious noise pollution. You are lucky we didn't call the police for disturbing the peace. Our peace was certainly disturbed all night and then most of the day since our house was full of sleep-deprived individuals.
4. Our house is not a good neighborhood for a single young adult. I've done my research and I know why you play music. You are looking for a girlfriend. You're like those teenagers with a garage band hoping for a gaggle of swooning female groupies. Believe you me, there are no lady crickets anywhere in our house. However, I have heard that there may be some outside. Like, in the furthest recesses of our backyard or maybe even the park behind our house.
5. Your rental application has a few issues. Firstly, we never received your application. Secondly, none of your references have reliable phone numbers or addresses. Thirdly, you are unemployed. Until you get a job, please move back into your parents' basement.
I hope you understand that this is not personal and that we would be more than happy to assist you in the relocation process.
Sincerely,
Me

*Update*
After receiving this message, the cricket in question tried to relocate to the twin's room. We let him know that this was also unacceptable. He suggested a business arrangement in which he could live in the boys' room in exchange for him acting as their conscience. He claimed to have been trained by Jiminy Cricket of Pinnochio fame. I confess, I was tempted by this offer since I sometimes doubt the efficacy of the conscience which currently guides my boys' choices. In the end, however, the veracity of his statement was called into question since Jiminy Cricket starred in Pinnochio in 1940 and crickets are known to have a maximum lifespan of only three months. In the end, we assisted him and his suitcases outside via clear plastic cup and card-stock transport.